Regret 101.

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

Regret.
The bullishness of the word transcends through time,
As people all over shape their mouths to form the words of a lifetime.
"If only."

If only I had known then what I know now,
Things may have been different.
Difference, encompassing sun filled days and dark gloomy nights to sink my soul.
If only I had known.

Regret 101.
It's a class I never knew I was enrolled in.
It's the paper that I just can't write.
The deadline that's passing by.

To sit down and truly say I regret missing you, or I regret ever doing this and doing that is actually much harder than it may seem.
To truly regret, to truly feel the anguish of what is to come from the words that I dare to mouth ...."If only I had known........" lays heavy on my chest.

If only I had known would I be here today?
If only I had known would peace on Earth have reigned?
If only I had known would the victimisations of humans remain?

Regret 101,
I'm sad I met you and joyous at times.
It burdens me so to know that you don't smile anymore when I see you.
It worries me to know that i'm pulling at straws trying to preserve what obviously can't work because in some ways I have been silently mimicing the actions of my mother.
In so many ways I realise that I feel that this thing that I do of holding on to you and decieving myself into thinking that things will get better with you.... is the burden of my mother as she faces her marriage.

However my regret is not for you my dear, my regret is that when she met him and he met her she fell in love with him.
I do not regret my birth but inside I regret the chance that him and her created for an individual like me.
I regret all the times when all she needed was a kiss from him or encouraging words and in return got nothing.

I regret the time you accused her of cheating on you, blinded by the jealousy and the urge to control. I regret the way you made her cry, the way you made her beg.

I could feel the tears roll down her cheeks, I could feel the pain emanating from within that room, I saw nothing but yet I saw everything.

I regret the pain that radiated through. Like a blow to the head my mind raced in circles. The constant sobbing and the constant pleaing in her voice scraped scars across my back. Have you ever heard an innocent man plea against a 10 year verdict? It breaks the soul down because there is nothing you can do.
His words, her begging they hurt me, Inside I struggle with this, my gut all tied up and my neck constricted from holding in the screams that I urge to release.

Release.
I regret the urge to release that night, but it's a human act.
The simple act of walking to the bathroom takes me to my first regret.
I would never have gotten out of bed.
It would never have happened.