Friday, May 25, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
It's Like.
I'm wondering around on this planet absolutely clueless on the possibilities of what life is really all about.
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
I know I shouldn't wonder.
But. I wonder why they have stayed together for so long and things are still working for them.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Where is T (part 2)
I'm not too sure what the significance of searching for T serves me but I have to deal with the feelings and the thoughts of him that fill my mind.
We never dated but I think our souls played tricks on our minds placing us in a comfortable realm that gave us no choice but to embrace the happenings and occurrences taking place at the time.
Something about him would make me hot and bothered. My skin would scorch at the slightest touch. Shivering from the cold heat racing through my body.
He was dependable, he would always be there or he would always make a point to try for me no matter what was asked of him.
In the beginning I found him overbearing, we had seperate schedules and did nothing to impose on each others daily life.
T would take me out for lunches and dinners.
Our relationship was red, not the erratic at time violent red, but a red filled with passion, compassion, dependability, red.
We were noticed everywhere we went, it was rare to see, two young individuals like us walking the streets in Nigeria. At first I remember having this mind set that people would harass me because he was..different, the jandon boy you always remember. The one that seems to be enlightened but holds the grace of someone who lives abroad but can pick up his naija ways at any point. I think all this rambling means T is the embodiment of what I require in a human being.
He would hold my hand wherever we went, it was scary at times because at that age you have no idea what's going on in the world and your little bubble is so miniscule that the realities of life are yet to penetrate your world filling it up with more than you could ever imagine.
We would walk into the supermarkets and stores like we owned them, like they were our little investments that nobody knew about giving us the ability to just wallow in the world created within the walls.
He'd kiss me everywhere, going around the city I lived in Nigeria kissing and holding hands was just....I don't know, it always made me feel awkward, because the adults were watching and making judgmental moves. T gave me a ring, he said to stop the people from staring, to stop the adults from wondering.
My girfriend had a birthday party and of course T was the life of the party. I could place him on the remotest island with the wildest savages and he would get along fine becoming a part of the complex world behind wild savage beasts on a remote island.
As T drove me home we talked about the people in our lives, the friends we had just left behind for the day.
Traffic, unavoidable in my city, we sat there, barely moving, the heat taking over us, the cooling down of the sun did nothing to appease the temperature. It was one of those days were the clouds stayed golden while burning in the background. The women walking back from the market, the okadas rumbling and raring to go amidst the traffic, children playing anywhere they see it fit, market men taking down their merchandise as the day came to an end.
With all the hustle and bustle and the explosion of visionary imagery, T puts his hand on my knee, moving back and forth making regular motions, squeezing tightly and loosely, he turns to me and smiles, I look back at him filled with the passion that comes with life when you realise you live in paradise and wouldn't have it any other way.
Traffic, we sat in it for 2 hours, inching slowly towards home, inching towards the reality of sneaking around so openly so my father wouldn't hear about it.
His hand was warm, soft and suple, against my skin his movements were little tiny circuits, making me feel the currents that his mind was generating. He was trembling as was I, he was making me shiver all over my body, he dragged me to his side and placed my hand on his heart. The rate at which his body was alive was deadly, his heart was racing uncontrolably, he looked at me and kissed me. The sellers on the road were jabbering "Come see oh dis boy dey kiss im girlfriend for car ohhh." They were invisible to us.
"I got you a ring."
"What the hell for?" I said.
"I know the people watching us make you uncomfortable, so the next time a random sales girl asks or one of the area girls try to make a move on me, they'll know our souls are married. They'll know that you are mine and I am yours."
"T...what are you saying??"
"I'm saying I know this makes you uncomfortable, so live my dream with me, live it here, live it now."
When we got to my house, T walked me to the door, more like the kitchen and then the living room. We sat. He got on one knee and opened up this little blue box with a ring with two parts to it, twisted together, intertwined to make up the ring.
"It symbolizes us, even though it may not look like it the ring is made up of two parts, even though it may not look like it this us is made up of you and me."
Issues came with the ring however, the cashiers or the people we met, the people our age who didnt know us would ask questions about the rings we both shared.
Living that dream was one of the most memorable things i've ever done.
My father began to notice, T played golf with him, his father and my father became good friends.
They had a tournament once and because my father was captain of the club we were all summoned to be there. We watched the game and drank and laughed and I was proud that T could keep up with my dad. On awards night T and I stood by each other beaming at each other, making secret touches and whispering to each other when no one was looking,he would place his hand on my butt or sneak his hand up my shirt, touching the little spot in my back. He knew I didnt want to be there, when no one was looking he grabbed my ring finger and twirled the ring he had placed on it months ago to remind me to stay strong.
It was the little things with T that attracted me to him.
I think that's why I can't shake him from my mind.
We never dated but I think our souls played tricks on our minds placing us in a comfortable realm that gave us no choice but to embrace the happenings and occurrences taking place at the time.
Something about him would make me hot and bothered. My skin would scorch at the slightest touch. Shivering from the cold heat racing through my body.
He was dependable, he would always be there or he would always make a point to try for me no matter what was asked of him.
In the beginning I found him overbearing, we had seperate schedules and did nothing to impose on each others daily life.
T would take me out for lunches and dinners.
Our relationship was red, not the erratic at time violent red, but a red filled with passion, compassion, dependability, red.
We were noticed everywhere we went, it was rare to see, two young individuals like us walking the streets in Nigeria. At first I remember having this mind set that people would harass me because he was..different, the jandon boy you always remember. The one that seems to be enlightened but holds the grace of someone who lives abroad but can pick up his naija ways at any point. I think all this rambling means T is the embodiment of what I require in a human being.
He would hold my hand wherever we went, it was scary at times because at that age you have no idea what's going on in the world and your little bubble is so miniscule that the realities of life are yet to penetrate your world filling it up with more than you could ever imagine.
We would walk into the supermarkets and stores like we owned them, like they were our little investments that nobody knew about giving us the ability to just wallow in the world created within the walls.
He'd kiss me everywhere, going around the city I lived in Nigeria kissing and holding hands was just....I don't know, it always made me feel awkward, because the adults were watching and making judgmental moves. T gave me a ring, he said to stop the people from staring, to stop the adults from wondering.
My girfriend had a birthday party and of course T was the life of the party. I could place him on the remotest island with the wildest savages and he would get along fine becoming a part of the complex world behind wild savage beasts on a remote island.
As T drove me home we talked about the people in our lives, the friends we had just left behind for the day.
Traffic, unavoidable in my city, we sat there, barely moving, the heat taking over us, the cooling down of the sun did nothing to appease the temperature. It was one of those days were the clouds stayed golden while burning in the background. The women walking back from the market, the okadas rumbling and raring to go amidst the traffic, children playing anywhere they see it fit, market men taking down their merchandise as the day came to an end.
With all the hustle and bustle and the explosion of visionary imagery, T puts his hand on my knee, moving back and forth making regular motions, squeezing tightly and loosely, he turns to me and smiles, I look back at him filled with the passion that comes with life when you realise you live in paradise and wouldn't have it any other way.
Traffic, we sat in it for 2 hours, inching slowly towards home, inching towards the reality of sneaking around so openly so my father wouldn't hear about it.
His hand was warm, soft and suple, against my skin his movements were little tiny circuits, making me feel the currents that his mind was generating. He was trembling as was I, he was making me shiver all over my body, he dragged me to his side and placed my hand on his heart. The rate at which his body was alive was deadly, his heart was racing uncontrolably, he looked at me and kissed me. The sellers on the road were jabbering "Come see oh dis boy dey kiss im girlfriend for car ohhh." They were invisible to us.
"I got you a ring."
"What the hell for?" I said.
"I know the people watching us make you uncomfortable, so the next time a random sales girl asks or one of the area girls try to make a move on me, they'll know our souls are married. They'll know that you are mine and I am yours."
"T...what are you saying??"
"I'm saying I know this makes you uncomfortable, so live my dream with me, live it here, live it now."
When we got to my house, T walked me to the door, more like the kitchen and then the living room. We sat. He got on one knee and opened up this little blue box with a ring with two parts to it, twisted together, intertwined to make up the ring.
"It symbolizes us, even though it may not look like it the ring is made up of two parts, even though it may not look like it this us is made up of you and me."
Issues came with the ring however, the cashiers or the people we met, the people our age who didnt know us would ask questions about the rings we both shared.
Living that dream was one of the most memorable things i've ever done.
My father began to notice, T played golf with him, his father and my father became good friends.
They had a tournament once and because my father was captain of the club we were all summoned to be there. We watched the game and drank and laughed and I was proud that T could keep up with my dad. On awards night T and I stood by each other beaming at each other, making secret touches and whispering to each other when no one was looking,he would place his hand on my butt or sneak his hand up my shirt, touching the little spot in my back. He knew I didnt want to be there, when no one was looking he grabbed my ring finger and twirled the ring he had placed on it months ago to remind me to stay strong.
It was the little things with T that attracted me to him.
I think that's why I can't shake him from my mind.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Regret 101.
“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
Regret.
The bullishness of the word transcends through time,
As people all over shape their mouths to form the words of a lifetime.
"If only."
If only I had known then what I know now,
Things may have been different.
Difference, encompassing sun filled days and dark gloomy nights to sink my soul.
If only I had known.
Regret 101.
It's a class I never knew I was enrolled in.
It's the paper that I just can't write.
The deadline that's passing by.
To sit down and truly say I regret missing you, or I regret ever doing this and doing that is actually much harder than it may seem.
To truly regret, to truly feel the anguish of what is to come from the words that I dare to mouth ...."If only I had known........" lays heavy on my chest.
If only I had known would I be here today?
If only I had known would peace on Earth have reigned?
If only I had known would the victimisations of humans remain?
Regret 101,
I'm sad I met you and joyous at times.
It burdens me so to know that you don't smile anymore when I see you.
It worries me to know that i'm pulling at straws trying to preserve what obviously can't work because in some ways I have been silently mimicing the actions of my mother.
In so many ways I realise that I feel that this thing that I do of holding on to you and decieving myself into thinking that things will get better with you.... is the burden of my mother as she faces her marriage.
However my regret is not for you my dear, my regret is that when she met him and he met her she fell in love with him.
I do not regret my birth but inside I regret the chance that him and her created for an individual like me.
I regret all the times when all she needed was a kiss from him or encouraging words and in return got nothing.
I regret the time you accused her of cheating on you, blinded by the jealousy and the urge to control. I regret the way you made her cry, the way you made her beg.
I could feel the tears roll down her cheeks, I could feel the pain emanating from within that room, I saw nothing but yet I saw everything.
I regret the pain that radiated through. Like a blow to the head my mind raced in circles. The constant sobbing and the constant pleaing in her voice scraped scars across my back. Have you ever heard an innocent man plea against a 10 year verdict? It breaks the soul down because there is nothing you can do.
His words, her begging they hurt me, Inside I struggle with this, my gut all tied up and my neck constricted from holding in the screams that I urge to release.
Release.
I regret the urge to release that night, but it's a human act.
The simple act of walking to the bathroom takes me to my first regret.
I would never have gotten out of bed.
It would never have happened.
Regret.
The bullishness of the word transcends through time,
As people all over shape their mouths to form the words of a lifetime.
"If only."
If only I had known then what I know now,
Things may have been different.
Difference, encompassing sun filled days and dark gloomy nights to sink my soul.
If only I had known.
Regret 101.
It's a class I never knew I was enrolled in.
It's the paper that I just can't write.
The deadline that's passing by.
To sit down and truly say I regret missing you, or I regret ever doing this and doing that is actually much harder than it may seem.
To truly regret, to truly feel the anguish of what is to come from the words that I dare to mouth ...."If only I had known........" lays heavy on my chest.
If only I had known would I be here today?
If only I had known would peace on Earth have reigned?
If only I had known would the victimisations of humans remain?
Regret 101,
I'm sad I met you and joyous at times.
It burdens me so to know that you don't smile anymore when I see you.
It worries me to know that i'm pulling at straws trying to preserve what obviously can't work because in some ways I have been silently mimicing the actions of my mother.
In so many ways I realise that I feel that this thing that I do of holding on to you and decieving myself into thinking that things will get better with you.... is the burden of my mother as she faces her marriage.
However my regret is not for you my dear, my regret is that when she met him and he met her she fell in love with him.
I do not regret my birth but inside I regret the chance that him and her created for an individual like me.
I regret all the times when all she needed was a kiss from him or encouraging words and in return got nothing.
I regret the time you accused her of cheating on you, blinded by the jealousy and the urge to control. I regret the way you made her cry, the way you made her beg.
I could feel the tears roll down her cheeks, I could feel the pain emanating from within that room, I saw nothing but yet I saw everything.
I regret the pain that radiated through. Like a blow to the head my mind raced in circles. The constant sobbing and the constant pleaing in her voice scraped scars across my back. Have you ever heard an innocent man plea against a 10 year verdict? It breaks the soul down because there is nothing you can do.
His words, her begging they hurt me, Inside I struggle with this, my gut all tied up and my neck constricted from holding in the screams that I urge to release.
Release.
I regret the urge to release that night, but it's a human act.
The simple act of walking to the bathroom takes me to my first regret.
I would never have gotten out of bed.
It would never have happened.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
The Young Will Grow.
I don't know who came up with the term "The young shall grow."
I mean why the use of "shall" instead of "will"?
The use of "shall" to me in that sentence deliver the message that it may or it may not happen.
The young will grow, the young do grow and i'm very upset about it.
Knowing what I know now, there is room for regret.
I know everybody sees it as a shame to regret an event or a situation but I think this is part and parcel of life.
In many ways the things I once embraced, I regret today, simply because I feel I wasn't ready for them. To a degree, regret seems like self pity and an outlet of facing reality on the happenings of life.
Well whatever it means i'm regretting today.
I regret dating, yes I regret dating at an age where I really knew nothing on what it means to be human, what it means to be dedicated to living. I regret trying to mimic the adult world and trying to show that I can keep a relationship together that is loving and honest and open.
I regret doing that, I was so eager to prove to my parents that relationships didn't have to be about fighting, squabbling, emotional abuse, physical abuse, pain, yelling, accusations, stress, moral degradation, enhancements of insecurities, the list goes on.
I wanted to prove that I have the power and the strength to make ANY relationship work, be it friends from school or friends from....ah whatever boys.
I wanted to show I could do it, I wanted to show I could be the perfect person in the magazines or in the movies who only have issues related to meeting and marrying the next cute guy or saving the world from some dreaded disaster.
I'm probably going to make my regret a series, it's an examination of the things I once said I never regretted but in fact I do.
In my opinion I see this as an evaluative session, since I can't stand outside the box in the present, it's time to stand outside the box on the past. Maybe then I can move on from this stagnant course I run.
I want to blog so badly about MR MAN but this my friend G has scared me now, me I dont want no boyfriend abi ex boyfriend abi FRIEND coming out and blogging secret messages to fear me oh! On the other hand if that happens it could be his way of trying to win me back? LOL No! I keep forgetting women are not prizes to be won, women and valuable possessions to be taken care of. Maybe that may be an anti feminist thing to say, but then again I never said anything about being a feminist.
My sister is.....18....she met a boy, and I HATE HIM.
Not because he's done anything to me or her, but because he is a him and him is a he who will make her notice she is a her, while she is still young and not ready for the mental fuckery that boys her age indulge in.
I'm scared for my sister, I would hate it if she becomes a me, who has become a girl who is afraid for the future and the real meaning of a relationship, on the real meaning between infatuation and love, infatuation and I stand corrected DEDICATION.
I want to tell her to not fall into the land of I smile when I see him and my stomach flutters when he kisses me.
I'm scared she'll fall into the abyss of he makes me feel good and I can't live without him.
Because in reality, flutters, pangs, hunger pains because you miss him, are all part of the lies that our minds tell us because we need to feel this thing like a drug keeping the pain at bay even though we still feel it anyways.
I'm scared for her because this relationship thing is a river with strong currents and heavy waves and only the best swimmers can survive this.
I'm scared because as I am drowning, I'm afraid I may not be at my very best for advising and listening to the "I don't understand why he's hurting me like this, I don't understand why i'm hurting Mphae, explain it to me."
And as I open my mouth to cry and to say that this relationship thing is a hard ass thing, water flows out of me, from my eyes, from my nose, from my ears........the waves have just been too hard.
The currents have dragged her in.
I mean why the use of "shall" instead of "will"?
The use of "shall" to me in that sentence deliver the message that it may or it may not happen.
The young will grow, the young do grow and i'm very upset about it.
Knowing what I know now, there is room for regret.
I know everybody sees it as a shame to regret an event or a situation but I think this is part and parcel of life.
In many ways the things I once embraced, I regret today, simply because I feel I wasn't ready for them. To a degree, regret seems like self pity and an outlet of facing reality on the happenings of life.
Well whatever it means i'm regretting today.
I regret dating, yes I regret dating at an age where I really knew nothing on what it means to be human, what it means to be dedicated to living. I regret trying to mimic the adult world and trying to show that I can keep a relationship together that is loving and honest and open.
I regret doing that, I was so eager to prove to my parents that relationships didn't have to be about fighting, squabbling, emotional abuse, physical abuse, pain, yelling, accusations, stress, moral degradation, enhancements of insecurities, the list goes on.
I wanted to prove that I have the power and the strength to make ANY relationship work, be it friends from school or friends from....ah whatever boys.
I wanted to show I could do it, I wanted to show I could be the perfect person in the magazines or in the movies who only have issues related to meeting and marrying the next cute guy or saving the world from some dreaded disaster.
I'm probably going to make my regret a series, it's an examination of the things I once said I never regretted but in fact I do.
In my opinion I see this as an evaluative session, since I can't stand outside the box in the present, it's time to stand outside the box on the past. Maybe then I can move on from this stagnant course I run.
I want to blog so badly about MR MAN but this my friend G has scared me now, me I dont want no boyfriend abi ex boyfriend abi FRIEND coming out and blogging secret messages to fear me oh! On the other hand if that happens it could be his way of trying to win me back? LOL No! I keep forgetting women are not prizes to be won, women and valuable possessions to be taken care of. Maybe that may be an anti feminist thing to say, but then again I never said anything about being a feminist.
My sister is.....18....she met a boy, and I HATE HIM.
Not because he's done anything to me or her, but because he is a him and him is a he who will make her notice she is a her, while she is still young and not ready for the mental fuckery that boys her age indulge in.
I'm scared for my sister, I would hate it if she becomes a me, who has become a girl who is afraid for the future and the real meaning of a relationship, on the real meaning between infatuation and love, infatuation and I stand corrected DEDICATION.
I want to tell her to not fall into the land of I smile when I see him and my stomach flutters when he kisses me.
I'm scared she'll fall into the abyss of he makes me feel good and I can't live without him.
Because in reality, flutters, pangs, hunger pains because you miss him, are all part of the lies that our minds tell us because we need to feel this thing like a drug keeping the pain at bay even though we still feel it anyways.
I'm scared for her because this relationship thing is a river with strong currents and heavy waves and only the best swimmers can survive this.
I'm scared because as I am drowning, I'm afraid I may not be at my very best for advising and listening to the "I don't understand why he's hurting me like this, I don't understand why i'm hurting Mphae, explain it to me."
And as I open my mouth to cry and to say that this relationship thing is a hard ass thing, water flows out of me, from my eyes, from my nose, from my ears........the waves have just been too hard.
The currents have dragged her in.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Buy You A Drank.
August 10th. 6pm
I had worked all day, exhausted, de motivated i felt no drive to go out and party.
It was a friends birthday and I had already made up my mind. I wasn't going out.
August 10th. 8pm
I hadn't seen them in a very long time so I put my ego aside and joined them for dinner.
August 10th. 10pm
Head to the club!
August 10th. 11pm
I'm a party animal, i'm in my own world. The music takes me over, I walk and dance all over the club not caring about the next man. Club time is my time.
August 10th. 12.30pm
"Mphaeeeeeee"
"Hey you what up??"
Dancing my life away.
"hahahahah that's my girl!!! do it up!"
"Hey have you met my friend AB?"
I turn to face this friend and I recognise him instantly.
"Yeah i've seen you around"
"No YOU HAVENT" He exclaims!
"What???? you dare to challenge me??" I laugh.
He takes my hand and says, "Nice to meet you Mphae, I'm....."
August 10th. 1am
I'm standing at the bar trying to get a drink and he creeps up behind me and this is what I heard....
"Baby Girl
Whats Your Name
Let Me Talk To You
Let Me Buy You A Drink
Im T-Pain, You Know Me
Konvict Music Have Every Boy Like Ohh Wee
I Know The Club Close At 3
Whats The Chance A You Rollin Wit Me
Back To The Crib
Show You How I Live
Lets Get Drunk Forget What We Did"
August 10th. 1.30am
"Talk To Me, I Talk Back
Lets Talk Money, I Top That
Crunk Juice Bottle
Oakly Shades
Shawty Got Class
Oh Behave
Lets Get Gone
Walk It Out (Walk It Out)
Just Like That
Thats What Im Talkin Bout
We Gone Have Fun
You Gone See
On That Patron
You Should Get Like Me "
I laughed, "he's not serious I thought."
August 10th. 1.45am
"Wont You Meet Me At The Bar
Respect Big Pimpin
Tell Me How You Feel
Mama Tell Me What You Sippin
A Certified Dime Piece
Deserve Louy 1-3
150 A Shot
3 For You And 3 For Me
Im Checkin Yo Body Language
I Love The Conversation
And When You Lick Your Lips
I Get A Tinglin Sensation
Now Were Both Bout Tipsy
You Say You In The Mood
All I Need Is Bout A Hour
Better Yet Maybe Two
Let Me Take You Where I Live
Ferrari Switch Gears
When I Whisper In Ya Ear
Ya Legs Hit The Chandilleer
Passion Fruit And Sex
All In The Atmosphere
Imma Let T-Pain Sing It
So He Can Make It Clear "
"Imma Buy You A Drank
Theen Imma Take You Home With Me
I Got Money In The Bank
Shawty Whachu Think Bout That
Find Me In The Grey Cadillac
We In The Bed Like
Ooh Ooh Ohh, Ooh Ooh
We In The Bed Like
Ooh Ooh Ooh, Ooh Ooh "
This.
Is. How. We. Met
I had worked all day, exhausted, de motivated i felt no drive to go out and party.
It was a friends birthday and I had already made up my mind. I wasn't going out.
August 10th. 8pm
I hadn't seen them in a very long time so I put my ego aside and joined them for dinner.
August 10th. 10pm
Head to the club!
August 10th. 11pm
I'm a party animal, i'm in my own world. The music takes me over, I walk and dance all over the club not caring about the next man. Club time is my time.
August 10th. 12.30pm
"Mphaeeeeeee"
"Hey you what up??"
Dancing my life away.
"hahahahah that's my girl!!! do it up!"
"Hey have you met my friend AB?"
I turn to face this friend and I recognise him instantly.
"Yeah i've seen you around"
"No YOU HAVENT" He exclaims!
"What???? you dare to challenge me??" I laugh.
He takes my hand and says, "Nice to meet you Mphae, I'm....."
August 10th. 1am
I'm standing at the bar trying to get a drink and he creeps up behind me and this is what I heard....
"Baby Girl
Whats Your Name
Let Me Talk To You
Let Me Buy You A Drink
Im T-Pain, You Know Me
Konvict Music Have Every Boy Like Ohh Wee
I Know The Club Close At 3
Whats The Chance A You Rollin Wit Me
Back To The Crib
Show You How I Live
Lets Get Drunk Forget What We Did"
August 10th. 1.30am
"Talk To Me, I Talk Back
Lets Talk Money, I Top That
Crunk Juice Bottle
Oakly Shades
Shawty Got Class
Oh Behave
Lets Get Gone
Walk It Out (Walk It Out)
Just Like That
Thats What Im Talkin Bout
We Gone Have Fun
You Gone See
On That Patron
You Should Get Like Me "
I laughed, "he's not serious I thought."
August 10th. 1.45am
"Wont You Meet Me At The Bar
Respect Big Pimpin
Tell Me How You Feel
Mama Tell Me What You Sippin
A Certified Dime Piece
Deserve Louy 1-3
150 A Shot
3 For You And 3 For Me
Im Checkin Yo Body Language
I Love The Conversation
And When You Lick Your Lips
I Get A Tinglin Sensation
Now Were Both Bout Tipsy
You Say You In The Mood
All I Need Is Bout A Hour
Better Yet Maybe Two
Let Me Take You Where I Live
Ferrari Switch Gears
When I Whisper In Ya Ear
Ya Legs Hit The Chandilleer
Passion Fruit And Sex
All In The Atmosphere
Imma Let T-Pain Sing It
So He Can Make It Clear "
"Imma Buy You A Drank
Theen Imma Take You Home With Me
I Got Money In The Bank
Shawty Whachu Think Bout That
Find Me In The Grey Cadillac
We In The Bed Like
Ooh Ooh Ohh, Ooh Ooh
We In The Bed Like
Ooh Ooh Ooh, Ooh Ooh "
This.
Is. How. We. Met
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Where Is He?
I remember approaching the gates of SAT lessons and seeing this fair skinned boy dressed in a striped polo shirt, with green khaki shorts, black socks and the fliest pumas of our time.
I kept thinking, who does this monkey think he is? I mean why are his socks all the way up to his knees? It's freaking hot.
I classified him as one of those jandon people that like to show how they came from jand and can not only afford to buy puma shoes but the socks aswell! Rubbish.
I never really asked about him, I kept it to myself, only to walk through the doors of my house one day to find him sitting in my living room with his father.
"Mphae, T has come to use the internet, he's trying to apply to Canada as well."
I looked at him thinking, are you serious????
I looked at T, he smiled, he shook my hand, he giggled.
I thought "this fool is not serious." I looked at his feet, different pumas and yup his damn socks.
If I think hard, I believe we started flirting with each other the minute we met. I played it like I wasn't intrigued, he played it like he had seen the day coming.
It turns out T was from the same village as I was, we were the same tribe, his father is well respected. He's half polish.
From talking we realised we knew some of the same people, we both weren't feeling the Canada idea, we both craved England.
I can't remember exactly when things started clicking. All of a sudden we were talking about everything, the first day my dad noticed and tried to intervene. We snuck around anyways.
T loves to talk, he would spoil me, he would drive down to my house with ice cream, he was cute.
We kept in touch even though he went to england and I came here.
2 years ago I stopped hearing from me.
The last conversation we had was about him coming to visit me.
I miss him and I don't know where he is.
**
T is the last child in his family so he was restless.
Always wanted to go out and show that he was a big boy.
He's the last of three, all boys.
His hands were so soft, he would tremble a little bit always whenever he touched me.
He played golf and lived life to the fullest.
He was always laughing even though he was stressed.
T was the first person I ever smoked a joint with.
He would convince me to come over claiming his mom had made the worlds best dish and he would serve me lunch as we smoked a joint on his balcony.
I loved those moments, we would just chill and talk about everything.
**
I remember once T and I had a misunderstanding over something. I can't remember for the life of me what I got mad at him for but I got mad.
He called me.
"Mphae. Where are you?"
"Ummmmm i'm just at so so and so place."
"Okay get Mr Friday to drop you off at my house you HAVE to try this cake my mum just made."
"Uh............okay i'll be there in 10 minutes."
Once the car got through the gate of his house, he was standing there, he was smiling, I forgot why I was mad.
"Hey."
"Where's the cake??"
He ignored me, he talked with Mr Friday, we went inside.
We talked about what I don't know and ended up upstairs in his room.
He had to change his shirt.
I stood by the window looking into the garden, I love being way up high looking through a window. The grass was so green.
T crept up behind me. I could feel him, every breath, every time he swallowed I could feel it. He trembled when he was behind me, I could feel him trembling.
T came up behind me, holding me, hands around my waist.
I could feel my heart pound as well as his.
He was soft, he was warm, he was......T
"What's happening, what are we doing?" He asked.
"I don't know...."
He rubbed my tummy, rubbed my back, I craved him. God I craved him.
The heat between us was about to set his house on fire.
He turned me around and placed his hands on my face.
"What are we doing?" He asked again.
"I don't........."
It was a kiss filled with longing, uncertainty, it was........amazing.
It was one of the few times we ever got that close.
I kept thinking, who does this monkey think he is? I mean why are his socks all the way up to his knees? It's freaking hot.
I classified him as one of those jandon people that like to show how they came from jand and can not only afford to buy puma shoes but the socks aswell! Rubbish.
I never really asked about him, I kept it to myself, only to walk through the doors of my house one day to find him sitting in my living room with his father.
"Mphae, T has come to use the internet, he's trying to apply to Canada as well."
I looked at him thinking, are you serious????
I looked at T, he smiled, he shook my hand, he giggled.
I thought "this fool is not serious." I looked at his feet, different pumas and yup his damn socks.
If I think hard, I believe we started flirting with each other the minute we met. I played it like I wasn't intrigued, he played it like he had seen the day coming.
It turns out T was from the same village as I was, we were the same tribe, his father is well respected. He's half polish.
From talking we realised we knew some of the same people, we both weren't feeling the Canada idea, we both craved England.
I can't remember exactly when things started clicking. All of a sudden we were talking about everything, the first day my dad noticed and tried to intervene. We snuck around anyways.
T loves to talk, he would spoil me, he would drive down to my house with ice cream, he was cute.
We kept in touch even though he went to england and I came here.
2 years ago I stopped hearing from me.
The last conversation we had was about him coming to visit me.
I miss him and I don't know where he is.
**
T is the last child in his family so he was restless.
Always wanted to go out and show that he was a big boy.
He's the last of three, all boys.
His hands were so soft, he would tremble a little bit always whenever he touched me.
He played golf and lived life to the fullest.
He was always laughing even though he was stressed.
T was the first person I ever smoked a joint with.
He would convince me to come over claiming his mom had made the worlds best dish and he would serve me lunch as we smoked a joint on his balcony.
I loved those moments, we would just chill and talk about everything.
**
I remember once T and I had a misunderstanding over something. I can't remember for the life of me what I got mad at him for but I got mad.
He called me.
"Mphae. Where are you?"
"Ummmmm i'm just at so so and so place."
"Okay get Mr Friday to drop you off at my house you HAVE to try this cake my mum just made."
"Uh............okay i'll be there in 10 minutes."
Once the car got through the gate of his house, he was standing there, he was smiling, I forgot why I was mad.
"Hey."
"Where's the cake??"
He ignored me, he talked with Mr Friday, we went inside.
We talked about what I don't know and ended up upstairs in his room.
He had to change his shirt.
I stood by the window looking into the garden, I love being way up high looking through a window. The grass was so green.
T crept up behind me. I could feel him, every breath, every time he swallowed I could feel it. He trembled when he was behind me, I could feel him trembling.
T came up behind me, holding me, hands around my waist.
I could feel my heart pound as well as his.
He was soft, he was warm, he was......T
"What's happening, what are we doing?" He asked.
"I don't know...."
He rubbed my tummy, rubbed my back, I craved him. God I craved him.
The heat between us was about to set his house on fire.
He turned me around and placed his hands on my face.
"What are we doing?" He asked again.
"I don't........."
It was a kiss filled with longing, uncertainty, it was........amazing.
It was one of the few times we ever got that close.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Letting It All Go....Part Deux.
For the first time in a long time I have realised that I cannot recreate the past.
My friend and I went to high school together, were in the same class, dated boys that were friends, stayed in our relationships for a very long time, hers 4 years, mine 3 and a half years, we both did long distance, we both moved to Canada.
She lives in the east, I live in the west.
She called me today lamenting on her life there and how it has been hard to adjust to living out here and we both realised we've been trying to recreate how things were in the past.
We always had each other around to encourage, when things went wrong with school we were there to support mentally and physically, when things went wrong with the parents we would run to each other, go shopping together. When things went wrong with the boys, we would all get together and talk about it. He would call her or I would call him and we would try to help each other get by. We went to parties together, classes together, we had the same friends and we knew that the people around us were stable.
When we both moved, we both have tried to recreate that bond with other people in the present. But we have realised it's not possible, we cannot make the present the past.
We have both dated to abate loneliness.
We have both made friends with the wrong people.
We have only just realised........we are all we have.
I'm going out to visit, it's her birthday, 22, she needs me.
I've decided to let go of all the negative thoughts holding me back from living.
I've decided you know what Rome wasn't built in a day, the friendships will come, I need to stop expecting them to be like my old friends.
I need to stop expecting what I had before to delivered to me here and now.
I have to make myself happy because around here you have to rely on yourself.
You have to make things happen. You have to be strong enough to know whats good for you and not hold on to them as a way of fighting the loneliness.
You have to hold on to the values that you had, and yes I may not be able to recreate the past but I can enhance the present.
My friend and I went to high school together, were in the same class, dated boys that were friends, stayed in our relationships for a very long time, hers 4 years, mine 3 and a half years, we both did long distance, we both moved to Canada.
She lives in the east, I live in the west.
She called me today lamenting on her life there and how it has been hard to adjust to living out here and we both realised we've been trying to recreate how things were in the past.
We always had each other around to encourage, when things went wrong with school we were there to support mentally and physically, when things went wrong with the parents we would run to each other, go shopping together. When things went wrong with the boys, we would all get together and talk about it. He would call her or I would call him and we would try to help each other get by. We went to parties together, classes together, we had the same friends and we knew that the people around us were stable.
When we both moved, we both have tried to recreate that bond with other people in the present. But we have realised it's not possible, we cannot make the present the past.
We have both dated to abate loneliness.
We have both made friends with the wrong people.
We have only just realised........we are all we have.
I'm going out to visit, it's her birthday, 22, she needs me.
I've decided to let go of all the negative thoughts holding me back from living.
I've decided you know what Rome wasn't built in a day, the friendships will come, I need to stop expecting them to be like my old friends.
I need to stop expecting what I had before to delivered to me here and now.
I have to make myself happy because around here you have to rely on yourself.
You have to make things happen. You have to be strong enough to know whats good for you and not hold on to them as a way of fighting the loneliness.
You have to hold on to the values that you had, and yes I may not be able to recreate the past but I can enhance the present.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
This Is Different.
I decided to come back to blogville because my last blog was really super anonymous.
There were posts where I had to add "jara" to hide my identity, but really minor stuff.
I feel the words I put on that blog expressed how I truly felt and was worded to make you feel the exact pain I felt even though circumstaces may not have been true such as my financial status.
The relationships were true, the scenarios were true but for some reason I felt I had to say I was financially independent hoping that in some ways it would inspire me to be smart about my money.
Well with this blog i'm back with my basic self sans the financial issue.
The shocking truth is that I am indeed financially unstable.
Now this may not seem like such a big deal but this is an issue that I basically face.
I'm poor, I have a good life but at the same time I cannot grasp the concept of saving or investing or managing what I have properly.
I live off my pay cheques and visa and master card and this is my shame.
For some reason I have had problems accepting this and so this is me, saying Mphae is extremely broke.
But aren't we all? As students of life, this is a phase and I pray to get out of it.
There were posts where I had to add "jara" to hide my identity, but really minor stuff.
I feel the words I put on that blog expressed how I truly felt and was worded to make you feel the exact pain I felt even though circumstaces may not have been true such as my financial status.
The relationships were true, the scenarios were true but for some reason I felt I had to say I was financially independent hoping that in some ways it would inspire me to be smart about my money.
Well with this blog i'm back with my basic self sans the financial issue.
The shocking truth is that I am indeed financially unstable.
Now this may not seem like such a big deal but this is an issue that I basically face.
I'm poor, I have a good life but at the same time I cannot grasp the concept of saving or investing or managing what I have properly.
I live off my pay cheques and visa and master card and this is my shame.
For some reason I have had problems accepting this and so this is me, saying Mphae is extremely broke.
But aren't we all? As students of life, this is a phase and I pray to get out of it.
Saturday, April 7, 2007
Is Love Enough?
I guess there can be several answers to this.
But I believe that in reality, in relationships, love is not enough.
It's the biggest misconception men and women have about relationships.
Love is not enough, it's never enough.
I love my first boyfriend but not enough to actually go back to him and say listen for the 50th time, I miss you, You have stayed on my mind for 6 years, I want to marry you and have your children. I love him so much, but that is not enough, that love is selfish love.
He's going through his own thing, he's still trying to be the real him.
Love is not enough.
My first real boyfriend and I dated for three and a half years.
That's the longest time i've ever been with a guy and I havent been in that many relationships.
He was my dream, we stuck together even when we lived miles apart, even when things were hard, even when he couldn't understand that I just wasn't ready to sleep with him, even when he slept with my best friend because of that.
I loved him enough to see past that, I loved him enough to see past the pain but because love is never enough sometimes I had to let him go, so he could live his life and mature into a greater being.
I love him, and he loves me, but not enough to move countries to be with me.
Love is not enough for us, there's this extra thing, this extra invisible thing that would make life perfect for us, but because love isn't enough we can't be together right now
It's dedication and a lack of fear to just take a risk anyway.
The dedication to that person to overcome the fear of what parents will say, what their friends will say and what our friends will think.
It's the full on dedication to be succesful at our relationship and full on appreciative of who we are together, making sure that we live happily ever after with perfect kids and a perfect life.
That dedication is why love is never enough.
We can all say yes I love him, or yes I love her but it's not enough, it's never enough.
Life gets hard and situations come up.
Love is never enough to push you to learn how she thinks or how he thinks, dedication between two people is what causes that.
At the time when Brooklyn and I reached that stage of what do we do now that you've slept with my bestfriend? It was a moment that defined who we were at the time which is why he is the only one I can say I will consider ever marrying. We got through that because we realised these things will happen, life will throw curveballs at you and the only way we could get past that was to fight together.
We councelled ourselves, put ourselves in our own therapy and learned to love and forgive each other.
And even though I loved him with all my heart.......2 and a half years later we broke up.
Because despite the fact that I loved him, i couldn't be with him in england and he couldn't be with me out here.
Love wasn't helping us get closer, love wasn't helping us grow.
Despite the fact that I loved him the pain was just too much to bear not having him at home every day.
Love wasn't enough.
Love isn't a super power.
Dedication is the power that keeps us together.
Dedication is the force that binds souls forever.
Brooklyn is graduating this summer, in my ideal world he would move here for me, but he has other plans, he wants to go back to nigeria, clear his head for a bit, go back home basically to just feel home. And I can't do that with him.
And even though I love him and he loves me, it's not enough to suppress his humane urges of wanting to live his life.
He invited me to visit but I declined because i'm not courageous enough to go there and be with him by myself for a week, i'm scared and really i'm still trying to find myself my very own self.
I love him........but my love is not enough.
But I believe that in reality, in relationships, love is not enough.
It's the biggest misconception men and women have about relationships.
Love is not enough, it's never enough.
I love my first boyfriend but not enough to actually go back to him and say listen for the 50th time, I miss you, You have stayed on my mind for 6 years, I want to marry you and have your children. I love him so much, but that is not enough, that love is selfish love.
He's going through his own thing, he's still trying to be the real him.
Love is not enough.
My first real boyfriend and I dated for three and a half years.
That's the longest time i've ever been with a guy and I havent been in that many relationships.
He was my dream, we stuck together even when we lived miles apart, even when things were hard, even when he couldn't understand that I just wasn't ready to sleep with him, even when he slept with my best friend because of that.
I loved him enough to see past that, I loved him enough to see past the pain but because love is never enough sometimes I had to let him go, so he could live his life and mature into a greater being.
I love him, and he loves me, but not enough to move countries to be with me.
Love is not enough for us, there's this extra thing, this extra invisible thing that would make life perfect for us, but because love isn't enough we can't be together right now
It's dedication and a lack of fear to just take a risk anyway.
The dedication to that person to overcome the fear of what parents will say, what their friends will say and what our friends will think.
It's the full on dedication to be succesful at our relationship and full on appreciative of who we are together, making sure that we live happily ever after with perfect kids and a perfect life.
That dedication is why love is never enough.
We can all say yes I love him, or yes I love her but it's not enough, it's never enough.
Life gets hard and situations come up.
Love is never enough to push you to learn how she thinks or how he thinks, dedication between two people is what causes that.
At the time when Brooklyn and I reached that stage of what do we do now that you've slept with my bestfriend? It was a moment that defined who we were at the time which is why he is the only one I can say I will consider ever marrying. We got through that because we realised these things will happen, life will throw curveballs at you and the only way we could get past that was to fight together.
We councelled ourselves, put ourselves in our own therapy and learned to love and forgive each other.
And even though I loved him with all my heart.......2 and a half years later we broke up.
Because despite the fact that I loved him, i couldn't be with him in england and he couldn't be with me out here.
Love wasn't helping us get closer, love wasn't helping us grow.
Despite the fact that I loved him the pain was just too much to bear not having him at home every day.
Love wasn't enough.
Love isn't a super power.
Dedication is the power that keeps us together.
Dedication is the force that binds souls forever.
Brooklyn is graduating this summer, in my ideal world he would move here for me, but he has other plans, he wants to go back to nigeria, clear his head for a bit, go back home basically to just feel home. And I can't do that with him.
And even though I love him and he loves me, it's not enough to suppress his humane urges of wanting to live his life.
He invited me to visit but I declined because i'm not courageous enough to go there and be with him by myself for a week, i'm scared and really i'm still trying to find myself my very own self.
I love him........but my love is not enough.
To The Man Of My Future.
Baby, I may have met you, I may not have.
I just want you to know that I always need you to be there, here, wherever.
I'm demanding and like to pretend everything is perfect.
When I fall in love with you realise there's no going back.
I won't be able to handle it if you just up and leave.
I have bad habits, please don't let them drive you crazy.
I try to be neat but always end up being a mess.
I'm super super super lazy.
So please don't get mad when you can't walk through the door to get into the house.
These arent even the beginning of my problems, but please love me no matter what.
Please hold my hand and rub my tummy whenever I need you to.
I'm not as strong as I appear to be, I need encouraging words about EVERYTHING.
I need you to tell me i'm beautiful, I need to catch you staring at me one day when you don't think i'm looking. I need for you to embrace me everytime we see each other, before work, after work, before school, after school.
I would like romantic evenings where I say nothing and you bathe me.
Where you wipe my forehead and tell me you like my hair.
I would like to be the sunshine in your life, I would love for you to love me.
I'll never cheat on you, i'm not programmed like that and this may sound silly but when we fall in love, you'll have to love me more than I could ever love you.
I need this because at times i'll be scared to love you more than you could ever love me. I'll be scared to take that step so I need to believe in you more than I believe in myself. I need to believe that you'll stay strong when I need you the most and that is when your over powering love for me realises that sometimes love is not enough so you will be able to take that extra step.
But you know what, even if you do love me more than I love you, you'll never know cos we both wont understand how far our love goes until it takes us there.
I just want you to know that I always need you to be there, here, wherever.
I'm demanding and like to pretend everything is perfect.
When I fall in love with you realise there's no going back.
I won't be able to handle it if you just up and leave.
I have bad habits, please don't let them drive you crazy.
I try to be neat but always end up being a mess.
I'm super super super lazy.
So please don't get mad when you can't walk through the door to get into the house.
These arent even the beginning of my problems, but please love me no matter what.
Please hold my hand and rub my tummy whenever I need you to.
I'm not as strong as I appear to be, I need encouraging words about EVERYTHING.
I need you to tell me i'm beautiful, I need to catch you staring at me one day when you don't think i'm looking. I need for you to embrace me everytime we see each other, before work, after work, before school, after school.
I would like romantic evenings where I say nothing and you bathe me.
Where you wipe my forehead and tell me you like my hair.
I would like to be the sunshine in your life, I would love for you to love me.
I'll never cheat on you, i'm not programmed like that and this may sound silly but when we fall in love, you'll have to love me more than I could ever love you.
I need this because at times i'll be scared to love you more than you could ever love me. I'll be scared to take that step so I need to believe in you more than I believe in myself. I need to believe that you'll stay strong when I need you the most and that is when your over powering love for me realises that sometimes love is not enough so you will be able to take that extra step.
But you know what, even if you do love me more than I love you, you'll never know cos we both wont understand how far our love goes until it takes us there.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Letting It All Go.
I need to be honest.
Mr Man came back, but with a twist on the reality of what our relationship is made up of.
I admit I was having a very hard time adjusting to him not being around anymore the way he used to.
There were several instances of my confusion disrupting the flow of what I was expecting from him.
To be fair to him he explained everything but to actually hear him was rather difficult for me.
When I moved to Canada, it was an experience that in the beginning seemed to be filled with joyful beginnings.
However that was not the case. Once the novelty of living on my own wore off the loneliness that plagues an underage child living in a city unknown by her began to creep on me.
I moved here not knowing a single soul. And to many that may seem like a positive but at 16 it was actually rather devastating.
I started my first year of college not really knowing what I was doing and it seemed the fact that I was away from the controlling thumb of my father was more of a big deal to me than actually coping and trying to establish myself.
I moved into a house, with three ladys who were 3 years older than me or more and had been in college for a year at least. There was nobody my age to relate to.
While fighting the battle to appear mature, my inner strength disintegrated into tiny little pieces.
It was the first time I had ever gotten money to just live and it was the first time I had ever just had to look after myself.
Invites to parties would not be distributed to me because I was the under age girl, I had been placed right in the middle of people who had known each other for a very long time.
Adjusting to that has been very hard.
In Nigeria, I had established myself as an individual who had friends and could rely on the support they gave me. My family is made up of my father, my mother, my sister and I. My father had worked very hard to isolate us from friends and family forcing us to rely on each other. That plan forced us to call on friends to be our family and our support and although there were times when my father would try to distance us further from our "adopted" family, we fought the battle as best as we could.
Living out here has been hard. I may be saying a whole lot of rubbish right now but I feel when I moved here my strength wavered making me weaker than I have ever been.
The home sick feeling, the isolation, the weather, relying on phone calls from all parts of the country to keep me going was very very very hard.
I have dated three people in the past 5 years and each relationship has disintegrated as quickly as they started.
I have relied on these relationships to stop me from being lonely, to avert me from the actual situation at hand. Over the past five years I have met some people don't get me wrong, but that connection, that special connection is just not there like it has been.
I guess it's because in my opinion these friendships are still new which is why I cannot relax and put my faith in them.
I know they cannot be there for me the way my friends back home can be.
I know they don't know m the way the others know me and maybe that's sad.
I think that's what could possibly be holding me back from just being myself around the new "friends" that I have.
I really don't know.
Mr Man came back, but with a twist on the reality of what our relationship is made up of.
I admit I was having a very hard time adjusting to him not being around anymore the way he used to.
There were several instances of my confusion disrupting the flow of what I was expecting from him.
To be fair to him he explained everything but to actually hear him was rather difficult for me.
When I moved to Canada, it was an experience that in the beginning seemed to be filled with joyful beginnings.
However that was not the case. Once the novelty of living on my own wore off the loneliness that plagues an underage child living in a city unknown by her began to creep on me.
I moved here not knowing a single soul. And to many that may seem like a positive but at 16 it was actually rather devastating.
I started my first year of college not really knowing what I was doing and it seemed the fact that I was away from the controlling thumb of my father was more of a big deal to me than actually coping and trying to establish myself.
I moved into a house, with three ladys who were 3 years older than me or more and had been in college for a year at least. There was nobody my age to relate to.
While fighting the battle to appear mature, my inner strength disintegrated into tiny little pieces.
It was the first time I had ever gotten money to just live and it was the first time I had ever just had to look after myself.
Invites to parties would not be distributed to me because I was the under age girl, I had been placed right in the middle of people who had known each other for a very long time.
Adjusting to that has been very hard.
In Nigeria, I had established myself as an individual who had friends and could rely on the support they gave me. My family is made up of my father, my mother, my sister and I. My father had worked very hard to isolate us from friends and family forcing us to rely on each other. That plan forced us to call on friends to be our family and our support and although there were times when my father would try to distance us further from our "adopted" family, we fought the battle as best as we could.
Living out here has been hard. I may be saying a whole lot of rubbish right now but I feel when I moved here my strength wavered making me weaker than I have ever been.
The home sick feeling, the isolation, the weather, relying on phone calls from all parts of the country to keep me going was very very very hard.
I have dated three people in the past 5 years and each relationship has disintegrated as quickly as they started.
I have relied on these relationships to stop me from being lonely, to avert me from the actual situation at hand. Over the past five years I have met some people don't get me wrong, but that connection, that special connection is just not there like it has been.
I guess it's because in my opinion these friendships are still new which is why I cannot relax and put my faith in them.
I know they cannot be there for me the way my friends back home can be.
I know they don't know m the way the others know me and maybe that's sad.
I think that's what could possibly be holding me back from just being myself around the new "friends" that I have.
I really don't know.
Monday, April 2, 2007
Dear You.
I miss you more than you could ever imagine.
I see you most days and hold back the intensity at which I yearn to feel your touch.
How the days have changed from when you first said you couldn't be with me.
I'm finding it hard to be "just" friends.
I'm struggling with that more than you could ever imagine.
I miss the random kisses or the feeling of your hand running down my back to soothe me.
It's a joke really, this thing we call a relationship.
Someone must have been watching us, laughing ever so loudly at the illusion that we created.
I miss going to the park with you, walking hand in hand, talking about anything in particular.
I miss walking through the city with you, embracing everything that came our way.
I miss how you would take me out to dinner once a week, I miss laying in bed with you watching movies being content with where we were at that stage.
It's hard to be your friend, but it's something I want and I can't understand it.
I'm afraid im lying to myself about how I feel, about what could be.
I'm afraid of how I feel, i'm afraid that this may be my unknowledgable mind yearning for something I clearly can't have.
I'm afraid i look pathetic to you while I struggle to just feel nothing about this.
While i struggle to get by, while I struggle to push you to the back of my mind.
You make it no easier for me......when you call or you come over it's pulls me back.
I don't know how much longer I can last.
And now the phone rings and it's you....
I struggle with my mind.
Pick up, don't pick up.
Staring at the vibrating phone, my heart quickens...
God I miss you so.
....Hello?....
I see you most days and hold back the intensity at which I yearn to feel your touch.
How the days have changed from when you first said you couldn't be with me.
I'm finding it hard to be "just" friends.
I'm struggling with that more than you could ever imagine.
I miss the random kisses or the feeling of your hand running down my back to soothe me.
It's a joke really, this thing we call a relationship.
Someone must have been watching us, laughing ever so loudly at the illusion that we created.
I miss going to the park with you, walking hand in hand, talking about anything in particular.
I miss walking through the city with you, embracing everything that came our way.
I miss how you would take me out to dinner once a week, I miss laying in bed with you watching movies being content with where we were at that stage.
It's hard to be your friend, but it's something I want and I can't understand it.
I'm afraid im lying to myself about how I feel, about what could be.
I'm afraid of how I feel, i'm afraid that this may be my unknowledgable mind yearning for something I clearly can't have.
I'm afraid i look pathetic to you while I struggle to just feel nothing about this.
While i struggle to get by, while I struggle to push you to the back of my mind.
You make it no easier for me......when you call or you come over it's pulls me back.
I don't know how much longer I can last.
And now the phone rings and it's you....
I struggle with my mind.
Pick up, don't pick up.
Staring at the vibrating phone, my heart quickens...
God I miss you so.
....Hello?....
Friday, March 30, 2007
2 more weeks.
I can't believe March is almost over, Infact it's over, one more day and that's that.
Spring comes into play and play time comes into effect in exactly 10 days.
I can't wait for school to be done!
Mr Man and I got back together, I think the lesson I learnt is that he needs his space and needed to rejuvenate himself for the future or whatever may lay ahead.
He's buying me a car.
I'm not quite sure how we got into that scenario but it happened.
He's too proud to say he's back in my life and too proud to say he let the worst get the best of him but I know inside he means well.
I'm off to work, not too sure what i'm up to later but I know it won't be school work.
That's right i'm procrastinating even more.
You can call me super procrastinator.
Spring comes into play and play time comes into effect in exactly 10 days.
I can't wait for school to be done!
Mr Man and I got back together, I think the lesson I learnt is that he needs his space and needed to rejuvenate himself for the future or whatever may lay ahead.
He's buying me a car.
I'm not quite sure how we got into that scenario but it happened.
He's too proud to say he's back in my life and too proud to say he let the worst get the best of him but I know inside he means well.
I'm off to work, not too sure what i'm up to later but I know it won't be school work.
That's right i'm procrastinating even more.
You can call me super procrastinator.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
They Say...
Believe and anything can happen.
I had a photography project to do and borrowed fifty million books on the subject for a paper I totally aced.
However I forgot to return some of the books and ended up with a $60 fine.
I mean sixty bucks for 4 books seems totally ridiculous, I may aswell have bought the damn books.
So of course i'm low on funds, low on everything with no extra cash to throw around to the damn library.
I'd been thinking about this and actually started getting stressed about it.
That was 3 weeks ago. Today I got a letter in the mail reminding me that I had this damn fine to pay.
Ugh.
So today after lying in bed with Mr Man, (another story for another day) I had to get out of bed and make my way to school.
Did that, had lunch with a friend who totally makes my day whenever I see him.
He's an artist, ghanaian, got afro kinky twists and is a force to be reckoned with.
He makes me smile, I wish I could meet him every morning for lunch.
So we discussed about life and about school and how much we hate both.
The unpredictable weather drives us mad and we generally just need to get away.
After that I spent the day trying, key word trying to help my friends mum get all organized. I've never had such a headache before caused by one person.
Bottom line she's crazy.
Bottom bottom line she gave me sixty bucks for wasting my time.
Bottom bottom bottom line.........The sixty bucks will pay for my fine.
Lesson learnt, Thou shall not worry but have all faith in the Lord.
I had a photography project to do and borrowed fifty million books on the subject for a paper I totally aced.
However I forgot to return some of the books and ended up with a $60 fine.
I mean sixty bucks for 4 books seems totally ridiculous, I may aswell have bought the damn books.
So of course i'm low on funds, low on everything with no extra cash to throw around to the damn library.
I'd been thinking about this and actually started getting stressed about it.
That was 3 weeks ago. Today I got a letter in the mail reminding me that I had this damn fine to pay.
Ugh.
So today after lying in bed with Mr Man, (another story for another day) I had to get out of bed and make my way to school.
Did that, had lunch with a friend who totally makes my day whenever I see him.
He's an artist, ghanaian, got afro kinky twists and is a force to be reckoned with.
He makes me smile, I wish I could meet him every morning for lunch.
So we discussed about life and about school and how much we hate both.
The unpredictable weather drives us mad and we generally just need to get away.
After that I spent the day trying, key word trying to help my friends mum get all organized. I've never had such a headache before caused by one person.
Bottom line she's crazy.
Bottom bottom line she gave me sixty bucks for wasting my time.
Bottom bottom bottom line.........The sixty bucks will pay for my fine.
Lesson learnt, Thou shall not worry but have all faith in the Lord.
Monday, March 26, 2007
I'm Back.
These days the sadness overwhelms me more than ever before.
The inability to get up and stay up is a problem that plagues me more and more each day.
I'm searching for something that I know I once owned but can't seem to find it within me.
When I was younger I had this strength that was greater than I could ever imagine.
There were times when things didnt work out or when I felt at my lowest but I fought the battle until I was happy.
The older I get, the harder it becomes to stay sane in this world that I find myself in.
Obviously things have changed from 6 years ago, like I said the struggle has gotten harder and everyday I wake up wishing I wouldn't.
I'm struggling inside to be this person that I don't know.
I can't guarantee that this person will be happy or this person will be successful.
I have no idea who she is and i'm very lost within.
My mind can't focus and each passing day is just like the last.
Another day gone by where nothing seems to make me feel better.
Where each day is like the same.
I cry sporadically without any reason.
It's like some kind of dark animal is fighting to come out of me.
I wish I knew what caused this but I can't seem to place my finger on it.
There are probably alot of issues that I need to discuss wih myself on this.
Whatever it is I have to get to the bottom of it.
The inability to get up and stay up is a problem that plagues me more and more each day.
I'm searching for something that I know I once owned but can't seem to find it within me.
When I was younger I had this strength that was greater than I could ever imagine.
There were times when things didnt work out or when I felt at my lowest but I fought the battle until I was happy.
The older I get, the harder it becomes to stay sane in this world that I find myself in.
Obviously things have changed from 6 years ago, like I said the struggle has gotten harder and everyday I wake up wishing I wouldn't.
I'm struggling inside to be this person that I don't know.
I can't guarantee that this person will be happy or this person will be successful.
I have no idea who she is and i'm very lost within.
My mind can't focus and each passing day is just like the last.
Another day gone by where nothing seems to make me feel better.
Where each day is like the same.
I cry sporadically without any reason.
It's like some kind of dark animal is fighting to come out of me.
I wish I knew what caused this but I can't seem to place my finger on it.
There are probably alot of issues that I need to discuss wih myself on this.
Whatever it is I have to get to the bottom of it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)