Letting It All Go.

I need to be honest.
Mr Man came back, but with a twist on the reality of what our relationship is made up of.
I admit I was having a very hard time adjusting to him not being around anymore the way he used to.
There were several instances of my confusion disrupting the flow of what I was expecting from him.
To be fair to him he explained everything but to actually hear him was rather difficult for me.
When I moved to Canada, it was an experience that in the beginning seemed to be filled with joyful beginnings.
However that was not the case. Once the novelty of living on my own wore off the loneliness that plagues an underage child living in a city unknown by her began to creep on me.
I moved here not knowing a single soul. And to many that may seem like a positive but at 16 it was actually rather devastating.
I started my first year of college not really knowing what I was doing and it seemed the fact that I was away from the controlling thumb of my father was more of a big deal to me than actually coping and trying to establish myself.
I moved into a house, with three ladys who were 3 years older than me or more and had been in college for a year at least. There was nobody my age to relate to.
While fighting the battle to appear mature, my inner strength disintegrated into tiny little pieces.
It was the first time I had ever gotten money to just live and it was the first time I had ever just had to look after myself.
Invites to parties would not be distributed to me because I was the under age girl, I had been placed right in the middle of people who had known each other for a very long time.
Adjusting to that has been very hard.
In Nigeria, I had established myself as an individual who had friends and could rely on the support they gave me. My family is made up of my father, my mother, my sister and I. My father had worked very hard to isolate us from friends and family forcing us to rely on each other. That plan forced us to call on friends to be our family and our support and although there were times when my father would try to distance us further from our "adopted" family, we fought the battle as best as we could.
Living out here has been hard. I may be saying a whole lot of rubbish right now but I feel when I moved here my strength wavered making me weaker than I have ever been.
The home sick feeling, the isolation, the weather, relying on phone calls from all parts of the country to keep me going was very very very hard.
I have dated three people in the past 5 years and each relationship has disintegrated as quickly as they started.
I have relied on these relationships to stop me from being lonely, to avert me from the actual situation at hand. Over the past five years I have met some people don't get me wrong, but that connection, that special connection is just not there like it has been.
I guess it's because in my opinion these friendships are still new which is why I cannot relax and put my faith in them.
I know they cannot be there for me the way my friends back home can be.
I know they don't know m the way the others know me and maybe that's sad.
I think that's what could possibly be holding me back from just being myself around the new "friends" that I have.
I really don't know.